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secondary relationship (polyamory): A relationship with less commitment and fewer expectations than other relationships. Polyamorists sometimes disagree about whether relationship hierarchies are desirable.

soft limit (BDSM): A weak, negative BDSM preference that is discussed ahead of time. For example, a person may strongly dislike anal sex, but be willing to have anal sex in certain contexts, like when he's really turned on; in that case, anal sex would be a soft limit. See also: hard limit.

squick (BDSM): A feeling of not wanting to participate in an act, without judging others for doing it. For example, if a BDSMers feels sick at the sight of blood yet doesn't want to express disgust towards blood fetishists, then she might describe herself as squicked by blood. The BDSM subculture generally places a high value on recognizing that one can be squicked by an act, without judging it.

submissive (BDSM): A person who enjoys receiving orders or otherwise accepting an experience defined by a partner.

swing: A community to support people who want to have sex with multiple people and be honest with everyone involved. Unlike polyamorists, swingers usually don't emphasize developing emotional connections in secondary relationships, but this isn't always true. Clarisse is less familiar with swing than polyamory, but some swingers emailed her this Swing 101: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/faq.php?faq=swinger_faq And the blog Polyamory In The News has a good post on the various distinctions between polyamory and swing: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/12/polys-vs-swingers-as-viewed-from-2010.html

switch (BDSM): A person who feels comfortable in either the top or the bottom role.

top (BDSM): A blanket term for a sadistic and/or dominant partner. Not everyone who is sadistic is dominant, and vice versa.

vanilla (BDSM): A term to describe people who aren't into BDSM, or sexual acts that aren't perceived as BDSM. Some folks describe so-called "slightly BDSM" people or acts as french vanilla. Sometimes, non-BDSM people are offended by being described as vanilla, which Clarisse thinks is silly, but she often avoids the term anyway and says "not into S&M" instead.

ze (queer studies): A gender-neutral pronoun, also written as "xie." The possessive version is "zir" or "xir" or, sometimes, "hir."

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