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Scarleteen.com, a grassroots feminist effort with an amazingly comprehensive
perspective. Scarleteen has an incredible impact on many, many lives. Sometimes I read
it just for fun!

Secondly: it may help not to prioritize orgasms. I am not saying orgasms aren't important;
I just don't want the importance of orgasms to wound you, the way it wounded me. For
me, it is helpful to imagine sex as a journey. For me, it helps to focus on having fun
throughout, instead of doing what it takes to reach the "goal" of orgasm. If you're not
taking pleasure in the journey -- or at least indulging some curiosity -- then why keep
going? Why not stop and try something else?

Experimenting sexually in an open-ended way has been, for me, the most productive
possible attitude. And in fact, once I knew how to make myself come, I discovered that --
though it's helpful to be able to attain that release if I really want to -- orgasms aren't
actually my favorite part of sex! There are lots of other things I like better.

It's also worth noting that our definitions of "orgasm" are fairly narrow. Some research
indicates that there may be other ways to conceptualize orgasms than the stereotypical
genital-focused approach.

Thirdly, although it's possible for a person to explore sexuality on her own, relationships
can make or break the process. We all make some compromises for romance. But when
we compromise, we should know what we're compromising, and we should think about
whether the compromise is worth it.

For me, sexual exploration and satisfaction are incredibly important -- but it took ages to
develop the courage to put my foot down about them. After my boyfriend shouted at me
that he didn't care about my sexual satisfaction, it took me an embarrassingly long time to
end things with him; I really was in love, and we'd been together for years. But my
sexuality wasn't even close to a priority for him, and breaking up with him was one of the
best decisions I ever made.

After ending that relationship, I was able to build my self-confidence and self-esteem
with new boyfriends surprisingly fast -- and my boyfriends helped me more than they
probably know. I owe countless small debts to men who accepted my inability to orgasm,
took my anxieties about it into account, and sometimes gently pushed me to try new
things.

One particular guy comes to mind: I told him I couldn't come, but that I wanted to
experiment with S&M, so we arranged to buy rope and some painful equipment. During
our conversation, he gently drew me out on my history, and then he said, "You know
what I think we need to go along with this rope? A vibrator."

I blinked and said hesitantly, "I don't know, I've never really liked vibrators." But I was
willing to try it again, and that's when I learned that vibrators are awesome. That's when I
learned that what I really need is to convince myself I'm not in charge -- that once the
correct fantasy is in place, vibrators make everything easy.

Even today, few things make me happier than a man who grasps the tension I still
sometimes feel about "being demanding" or "asking for too much." I communicate with

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