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I disagree with most of their attitude. We don't need innocence. We don't need sexual
mystery. We don't need to eliminate teen sex. We don't need to re-establish some
limiting, patriarchal "manly ideal." But they've got one thing right: we do need to start
talking about sex as something that is not mostly mechanical -- as something that, yes,
can be "a private sphere for the creation of human meaning."

3. I wish I'd learned this: "Good sex doesn't just require two (or more) people who like
sex. It requires desire -- and desire simply doesn't work the same way for everyone."

I've said before that I went through a period -- back when I was first becoming sexually
active -- where I simply could not figure out why sexual acts with people I didn't care
about didn't seem to turn me on. Or rather -- they turned me on a little, but not... much. It
took me a while to understand that sex requires more than just two eager people. It
requires attraction and desire.

When I was fifteen or so, and at summer camp, I remember making out with a boy. I
didn't really want to make out with him, but I wasn't sure how to reject him (more on this
under point 5). And I figured: he seems nice enough, so I might as well make out with
him. Afterwards, I felt angry at myself, and I felt like I'd wasted my time -- and I felt
confused. I'd been bored at best and repulsed at worst, and I wasn't sure why I felt that
way, or why I'd done something that made me feel that way.

So why had I done it? Because I'd thought: "Sex is value-neutral." Because I'd thought:
"Making out is fun, right? -- that means I ought to do it when I get the chance!" Because
I'd thought: "My preference not to make out with him is probably just some silly
repression that I need to get over." Because I didn't understand that desire is complicated,
that you can't just make yourself feel desire when it's convenient, and that you don't need
a reason for your attractions -- or lack of attraction. This situation was to reprise itself in
various forms over the next years, until I finally learned that sometimes you simply want
or don't want things, and that you aren't required to justify your desires.

4. I wish I'd gotten a list of suggestions: "Here are some places you might go to start
figuring out what turns you on."

I was told that sex was fun. I was even told to explore! But I still spent years with very
little actual idea of what I wanted. No one ever told me how or where I might be able to
learn more about my needs, or what exploring my needs might look like. And no one ever
explained that people are turned on by different things, that some people like some sex
acts and don't like others, and that's okay.

I went into sex with a buffet-style attitude, thinking that I must naturally enjoy sex
equally in all ways. I was so surprised when I found out that I like some positions better
than others! I remember how confused I was when I dated a guy who didn't like fellatio,
and how hurt I felt -- like his lack of enjoyment meant that I must be doing it wrong,
because everyone likes oral sex, right?

And of course, while I had a pretty comprehensive idea of the vanilla sex acts I could
experiment with, I had very little idea of what else was out there. In retrospect I find this
hilarious, but I remember -- back in my vanilla days -- I had two boyfriends who tied me
up. They tied me up and were nice to me, and I suppose it was amusing enough, but

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