HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_029760.jpg

Schneider says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
The salesman brings them, Schneider stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, stands up and winces.
When he sees how confused the salesman is, he says, "Listen, I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son deals crystal meth. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes."

*********

A midget's marooned on a desert island for fourteen years and finally one day he's rescued. When they get him to shore, they ask him what he'd like.
He says, "You know damn well what I'd like."
They take him to a brothel, he goes upstairs with a girl, they go in a room and they both get undressed. Then he puts on a condom, puts some cotton in each ear and puts a clothespin on his nose.
The girl says, "What the hell are you doing?"
The midget says, "If there's two things in this world that I hate, it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

*********

Fugelsang says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."
The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
Fugelsang says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

*********

Two Spanish guys show up at The Gates of Heaven and the first one says, "We want in."
St. Peter says, "Let me go ask God."
He walks over to God and says, "God, there are two Spanish guys at The Gates who want in."
God says, "If they are good people, let them in."
St. Peter goes back to The Gates, and then comes back to God and says, "They're gone."
God says, "The Spanish guys?"
St. Peter says, "No. The Gates."

*******

A waiter brings a lady her clam chowder and she sees his thumb is hooked over the cup.
She says, "Waiter, you've got your thumb in my soup."
He says, "Yeah. I got the arthritis, and the warm makes it feel much better."

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_029760