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How did I evolve through that balance and come into the place where I am today, where
my sexual boundaries have shifted dramatically? I'm up for trying things just to see what
they're like; I routinely have fantasies that would have appalled me in my teens; and I
routinely have orgasms as well.... But why is it that, for example, I'm very interested in
having multiple partners now, but wasn't at all interested a few years ago? Why did I
initially swear I'd never wear a collar, then end up associating collars with profound
sexual love? How is it that I initially considered myself solely a submissive but later
transitioned into an enthusiastic switch (i.e., both a sub and a domme)?

Here are the two factors that, I think, facilitate sexual evolution and openness:

1) A pressure-free environment

This is key! A person can be pressured into sexual exploration, but in my experience it
won't "take." Many people (though not all) who feel pressure react by becoming
defensive and unwilling to change; even if they do try the experiment, they're less likely
to enjoy it. And someone who has a bad sexual experience will often have trouble
enjoying that kind of sex in the future.

Take me, for example -- there were a lot of reasons why I felt less willing to experiment
with polyamory (multiple relationships) when I was 20, but one of the big ones is that I
felt lots of pressure to be poly. Because I ran in highly "alternative" social circles, I was
meeting "polyvangelists" who argued that polyamory is the "best" kind of relationship
and that anyone who doesn't want to try poly is just being selfish or close-minded.
General social pressure exerts an influence, so it helps to have open-minded friends
who accept different forms of consensual sexuality -- which doesn't just mean that
"vanilla" people would do well to accept those of us who are "non-standard," but also
means that even people in "alternative" circles have to accept "mainstream" sexuality.

But in my experience, the actual sexual relationships are the most relevant aspect of
life that must be sexually pressure-free. They're also one of the most difficult,
especially when the stakes are high: if one or both parties are helplessly in love, if they
are married, if they have children, if they live together... then it becomes very hard to
make the relationship pressure-free. A husband who is afraid that his wife might leave
him is more likely to do sexual things for her that make him uncomfortable because he
wants her to stay, for example -- even if she doesn't ask him to. A girl who is totally in
love with her boyfriend is more likely to acquiesce to sex that she's not really into,
because of course she wants to please him -- but she is simultaneously unlikely to tell him
outright that she's not into it.

And then there's the fact that what feels like "pressure" for each person will be different
depending on that person's triggers, the relationship, and the time in their life. Today, I
feel totally comfortable setting limits and clearly telling my partner "no" if he asks me to
do something I don't want to do... but it wasn't so long ago that I'd feel anxiety-inducing
pressure to do something if my boyfriend merely mentioned that he liked it. Which brings
me to my next point: there's a fine line between sharing and pressure. One must be
careful when bringing up one's own preferences and desires -- which isn't to say one
shouldn't bring them up! Merely that it's important to recognize that these are difficult
topics, and when we discuss them with people we love or admire, there's lots of potential

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