HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018607.jpg

does not make me their relationship therapist, and it doesn't make me best friends with his other girlfriends (or boyfriends, for that matter). I am responsible for what I do, but I'm not responsible for what he does. I am responsible for how I treat his spouse, but I can't be responsible for how he treats his spouse.

But what if I'm already friends with someone, and one of my partners gets involved with that person? Do I have special responsibilities in that case? I'm still figuring that one out.

2. When is it actually the best time to start talking about polyamory and setting out relationship definitions? My approach so far has been to put poly on the table during initial conversations, and then talk about it more when the topic of the relationship comes up. But I've been thinking lately that I probably should go into more detail sooner, because people have such different stereotypes of open relationships that I can't be sure they're on board with what I'm talking about unless we've discussed polyamory in-depth.

I feel like I talk to a lot of people who think they want a supposedly "polyamorous" relationship because they see it as a no-strings-attached free-for-all, and that's definitely not what I want. Or I talk to people who back away from polyamory for the same reason. I see polyamory as being about more commitment to relationship negotiation, not less. I see it as being about setting individual boundaries, if necessary -- it's not about having no boundaries. I see it as being about creating a secure situation for all parties involved -- not making anyone insecure, or ignoring anyone's needs. And being polyamorous doesn't make my relationships unimportant to me. Being in love doesn't seem at odds with polyamory for me.

This is a hard thing to communicate in a small dose, though, especially if I'm dealing with someone who has minimal exposure to the concept. On the other hand, having a Serious Conversation about polyamory on the first date is a bit much.

3. Is it a good idea for me to get involved with guys who ultimately want monogamy? As I noted earlier, I might compromise to monogamy eventually, but poly is a priority for me. (Who knows, maybe I'll decide it's my ideal relationship formation again someday. This seems unlikely to me right now, but anything's possible.)

But what if I get really into a guy who ultimately plans to be monogamous? Is this a bad call on my part? On the one hand, if I go on a few dates with a 28-year-old guy who doesn't want to get married until his mid-30s but definitely wants a monogamous marriage when he does... I mean, why not have a relationship? On the other hand, I may be setting myself up for heartbreak in such situations, if he basically sees our relationship as "not real" from the start. This brings me to my next point....

4. Some people see polyamory as a sign of commitment-phobia. I've made this mistake myself -- in fact, the "polyamory as commitment-phobia" stereotype is so strong that I've occasionally reversed it and wondered if my desire for it was a sign of commitment-phobia. But the fact is, my appreciation for polyamory only increased as I became more certain about what I'm seeking in a partner, and as I gained more understanding of how to negotiate that. It's come along with relationship confidence and understanding.

I feel pretty okay with believing in commitment in the context of polyamory. But my

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018607