HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018641.jpg

though... or threatening... or frustrating, like in my example above. It's complicated!

However, I often see those dynamics play out in ways that the participants won't admit, no matter how much evidence comes up. I think it gets especially complicated when people experience jealousy as a sexual thing, a turn-on. Most people have a hard enough time discussing their sexuality in the first place. When you add an ingredient as controversial as jealousy, the potential discussions become that much more combustible.

When I was researching pickup artists for my awesome book Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, I found a number of discussions in that community that praise competitive feelings because they're seen as making the relationship more fun. A lot of these guys say competition among different lovers within open relationships is awesome because it keeps everyone a little uncertain, and encourages them to be "on top of their game." This contrasts drastically with most polyamorous perspectives; in my experience, poly folks see jealousy and competition as things that should be compartmentalized and managed very carefully, rather than encouraged or exalted. For polyamory theorists, a feeling of safety is often the goal, as opposed to a feeling of competition.

And emotional safety is certainly a concern, because jealousy is one of the most intense and overwhelming emotions out there. It's such a hard feeling to sit with and work through. My worst experiences of jealousy felt like I was choking, like I couldn't breathe, like I was sick to my stomach, like I was terribly obsessed, like I couldn't think of anything but the jealousy and how much it hurt. And yet... I've occasionally felt jealousy that was weak, almost nice, where I felt a little twinge of it and turned to my lover and got reassured... and that made me feel more safe, more cared for, more loved.

The bottom line is that people experience jealousy and competitive urges in many different ways. It's important to acknowledge that and honor it. I don't see it as productive to frame things like "jealousy is bad," or "competition is awesome." I'd much rather frame things like: "Jealousy and competition happen sometimes, and how do we deal with them when they come up so that everyone involved feels comfortable and happy?"

* * *

The Toolkit

I firmly believe that the primary tools for dealing with jealousy and competitive urges are honesty, good faith and respect. If you're feeling jealous, then take a deep breath. (I'm pretty sure that most relationship drama could be avoided if more people took deep breaths.) Hopefully, you're dating someone who you like and trust (if you're not, what's the point?). Remind yourself that this person, who you like and trust, probably is operating in good faith and isn't trying to hurt you. Respect that this person has their own desires, which won't always overlap perfectly with your own. Don't assume that your partner is obliged to do everything you want -- but do be honest about what's hurting you, so you can work it out together.

And, in turn: if your partner is jealous, respect that emotion. Remind yourself that this person, who you like and trust, probably is operating in good faith and isn't trying to control you. Be honest about how your partner's jealousy makes you feel, and think about

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018641