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chemical thing. My body will crave him beyond words, even if my brain knows he's a
terrible idea.

I once heard about a woman who won't allow herself to have orgasms during casual sex,
because she knows the orgasm itself will bond her to her partner. I don't experience
orgasms that way. But when a partner really puts me under with S&M, pulls me in deep,
and then he gives me aftercare while I surface? That's where I fall in love.

I've heard of polyamorous S&M relationships in which the primary relationship disallows
S&M with non-primary partners. I can certainly understand wanting to reserve that for
the primary relationship. I've also heard of polyamorous S&M relationships in which the
partners can do S&M with outside partners... but won't allow aftercare with outside
partners. I can understand that even better.

* * *

Brainwashing: Intimacy Within Abuse

In late 2010, I cross-posted an article about an intense S&M experience to the blog
Feministe. In the article, I included these words:

There it was. I felt the tears building, gasps torn from my throat, I felt myself starting to
fall apart and reform: around him, around his guidance and force and demands. Almost
unable to think. Until finally he relented and said my name, and said softly, "Come
back," and ran his hand reassuringly down my hair.

There it was: the reason I want it so much.

In response, a commenter named FormerWildChild wrote:

For some of us, the idea of being hit by another person makes us want to jump up and
run out of our skin. It seriously wigs us out. It is not a moral judgment; is a true phobia
for another person. It reminds me of when we were at the un-civilized end of Grand
Canyon with our children. All that stood between my kids and certain death was inches
of loosely packed sand. When we were done sightseeing, I discreetly walked behind the
van and threw up until I could breathe again.

I had that same terrified feeling when I read about your account of your last session. I
wanted to go wrap a blanket around you, hold you in my arms and feed you tea and
cookies until I can finally breathe again.

And my fear is not because I fail to really "get" what you experience. It comes from an
absolute recognition of what you describe.

I have experienced what you described at the end of your BDSM session, the breaking
and reforming of yourself around someone. I have felt exactly what you are talking
about, that feeling of finally letting go, of surrendering, and the other person sensing that
you are finally there, and then stopping. I have felt the sweetness of those moments of
post-thrashing closeness when tenderness seems to hover in the room. I know the feeling
of intense closeness which can follow the next day. The air is filled with a cathartic
cleanness, the experience of inflicting pain and of receiving pain has cleared the air
better than any southern thunderstorm. I can even imagine coming to crave that feeling

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