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yourself too seriously, and learn to start with a light careful touch when playing with
someone new. Learn to ask for help and guidance, both from others in your S&M
community and from your partners."

Scootah agreed: "The first mistake I see newbie doms make is trying too hard to be some
kind of bad ass. Admit your inexperience. Be seen learning. Be modest and have a good
time. Learn to communicate well, and to really be friends with your prospective
partners."

For me, the bottom line of these conversations is that questioning gender roles, and
understanding gender complications, is an ongoing process. People have a lot of urges
and preferences that are politically inconvenient and which we will never fully
understand. Whether we're shaped by biology or culture, those feelings will still exist for
now, and we have to deal with them. There are ways to do almost anything such that
people respect each other, though -- whatever the implications for gender or power.
Violence is complicated ground, but it can be used in balanced and consensual ways that
end up bonding people together. Fifty Shades of Grey and Fight Club are both examples,
and I haven't even touched competitive sports!

* * *

This can be found on the Internet at:

http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/04/20/50-shades-of-grey-fight-club-and-the-
complications-of-male-dominance/

* * *

* * *

* * *

ABUSE:

[theory] The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team

I wrote this post in 2010 for the high-profile feminist blog Feministe. If I were to write it
today, then I would write it differently. In particular, if I were writing it today, then I
would emphasize that there are actually two primary patterns for abusive S&M
perpetrators. There are the ones I emphasized in this post, the ones who prey on
inexperienced people outside the community... but then there's another category:
perpetrators who achieve high status within the community and then use it to get away
with non-consensual things. Other BDSMers have been writing about this more and
more, and the discussion is really heating up right now, in 2012. My fellow feminist
BDSM writer Thomas MacAulay Millar has a particularly long, complex blog series
about patterns of abuse in the BDSM community that gives a lot of great reference links
to other articles on the same topic. I've mentioned Thomas before; I don't always agree
with him, but he's principled and passionate and smart. He blogs at the Yes Means Yes
blog, and the series is being published post-by-post even as I write this. The first post in
the series is available at this link:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/23/theres-a-war-on-part-1-troubles-

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