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boundary-setting, from safewords to checklists to keeping simultaneous journals.

Aftercare is part of that boundary-setting process, but a lot of the time, people have a hard time thinking or speaking clearly right after S&M. Some people become incredibly non-verbal, or vague and confused, or giggly, or all of the above. For this reason, some people include later follow-ups (like a next-day phone call) under the umbrella of "aftercare" -- the goal is to allow the post-S&M time to be calming and un-challenging, and then talk things through when everyone's head is clearer. Processing things thoroughly after an S&M encounter is really important, especially if the people involved are planning to do it again. It's important for two reasons: it helps the people involved get a better sense of what they want and don't want; and it helps them learn more about how to communicate with their partners.

Recently, I was privileged to give a partner his first heavy S&M experience. Afterwards, when he was coming out of it, he said to me: "No one has ever touched me so deeply, so fast before." I lay with him, listening. I'm pretty sure I did a good job helping him pick up the pieces, but when I try to figure out what I did, I have trouble describing it.

So I wouldn't know how to give a step-by-step "how to" for aftercare, but I can offer some thoughts. For one thing, the person who was dominant during the encounter is usually the person who runs the aftercare, too. When I'm in the dominant position, the message I try to get across during aftercare is along these lines: "I'm here, I'm listening, I care about you, you're safe with me, and you can take all the time you need."

In the submissive position, I'm often too busy processing to think carefully about what message I'm getting across to my partner. But sometimes I do get the sense that he's confused or anxious or needs some feedback, at which point I try to get across a message along these lines: "I care about you and I'm so grateful to you for taking on that power just now. If you need to talk, we will do that when I'm more alert. But for now, let's please just be here together and establish our closeness."

And when I'm switching -- or when the power dynamic is otherwise unclear -- well. I guess I try to get across a combination of those messages.

The Boundaries of S&M Intimacy

I used to be more willing to do S&M "on the first date," when I barely knew my partner. That's changed for two reasons. Firstly, I've become much warier of doing S&M without a strong foundation to the relationship. I've been lucky, because my partners have treated me so well, even the casual ones. (As more stories of S&M and abuse become public, I realize more and more how lucky I've been.) But I don't ever want to be in a position where I do intense S&M and I can't rely on my partner afterwards; and the best way to build a reliable foundation is to spend lots of time together before we get into anything deep.

Secondly, I've become more aware of how quickly S&M can affect me. It's entirely possible to do excellent, intense S&M with someone I can't trust. And if that happens, then boom: I'll be intensely bonded to him, yet unable to trust him. It's not a good place to be. There are some kinds of S&M that feel light or even impersonal to me, but when I do things that feel intense... the bond forms so fast, and it's so incredibly strong. I swear it's a

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