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ways to reassure your partner while protecting your own needs and boundaries.

The most stable relationship formation for dealing with jealousy and competitive urges appears to be monogamy. To be sure, I think people have plenty of other reasons for choosing monogamy. But the relationship tool that seems to work most thoroughly, and most often, and for the most people, is simply... being monogamous.

There are many ways of approaching non-monogamy, but the one I'm most familiar with is polyamory. A lot of polyamorists, though not all, organize their relationships into hierarchies: they have one or more "primary relationships," and then "secondary relationships" and other relationships that don't make it to secondary level. Sometimes a primary partner will have "veto power" -- i.e., if one partner wants to get a new partner, then the primary partner can explicitly block that partner. This seems to help control a lot of jealousy and competitive behavior.

Some poly folks say that they see hierarchies and veto power as "blunt instruments," and that they prefer to negotiate every interaction case-by-case. This sounds fine to me as long as it works for them, of course. But I would offer this: I think that blunt instruments are sometimes the most useful tool for a given project. And in fact, blunt instruments are more often useful than finer-tuned instruments. The whole idea of finer-tuned instruments is that they're useful for precise circumstances... but they're also harder to use, and more fragile. Some people don't have the time or inclination to create a whole new toolkit for every individual relationship. Some people will settle for a slightly less precise, perfect relationship in exchange for a more stable one. Sometimes it's simply easier to use a blunter, but more universally effective tool.

I will also add that I have seen plenty of polyamorous relationships in which there were unspoken hierarchies, and unspoken veto power. This resulted in maneuvering that struck me as both underhanded and unnecessary. I've always felt that it would be better for everyone involved if those dynamics were put out on the surface.

Finally, for people who like jealousy and competition.... If S&M has taught me anything, it's that it's quite possible to play with pain and power within a safe, loving framework. The key is to compartmentalize the whole process and discuss it openly. If people are into competitive relationships, then okay. If people like jealousy, then okay. But in that case, they really ought to look for partners who share those tastes, and to find ways that they can deal with them openly and honestly.

In S&M, there's a huge emphasis on careful communication tactics -- safewords are the most famous example, but there are plenty of others. There's also a huge emphasis on talking about the S&M encounter and processing it together afterwards; we call this aftercare. If jealousy and competitiveness can be understood as consensual games of pain and power, then I think people who want to play those games would do well to learn about S&M communication tactics. If you're going to have fun making your partner feel an emotion as intense as jealousy, then you might consider giving your partner a safeword.

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