HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018643.jpg

http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/01/relationship-tools-monogamy-polyamory-competition-and-jealousy/

* * *

* * *

* * *

EVOLUTION:

[storytime] You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking

I wrote this in late 2010. I have mixed feelings about it now. I think I made important points, but I will also say this: if you don't have a clue what's going on in your head and don't even know where to start, then that can be a bad sign. I think that when people are unhappy, or dealing with situations that are more than they can handle, they often settle into a kind of mental "fog" so they don't have to think about it. (The feminist writer Autumn Whitefield-Madrano has a great article describing how this happens in abusive relationships; she calls it "the fog of abuse.")

Yet at the same time, I do believe that we should consciously make space in ourselves for new feelings to emerge, especially when we're pushing our limits. Self-awareness must include allowing new feelings to emerge at their own pace.

* * *

You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking

In May 2010, I wrote a post called "Am I Evolving Away From Monogamy?" in which I talked about my urge towards polyamory, and my confusion about that urge. I talked about my previous dislike for polyamory, and I talked about how new it is for me to feel like I want to be polyamorous. I talked quite a lot, really, but a week later, I started feeling like I hadn't covered everything... or like I just wasn't correct about some things I'd written.

But how could I be incorrect? I was, after all, writing about myself and my own feeings. How could I be wrong about what I myself was thinking?

I guess I realized quickly that I'd claimed things about my past self that weren't quite true. That didn't acknowledge my own complexity. For example, I wrote that although I've toyed with polyamory in the past, my most recent poly leanings came up only because I got my heart broken by a gentleman who I sometimes refer to as Mr. Inferno. I theorized that perhaps I'm just scared of commitment. While it is certainly true that I'm not big on commitment these days, I later recalled that actually -- at the beginning of my relationship with Mr. Inferno, I had some doubts about being monogamous. I was monogamous because he was very sure that was what he wanted, but I remember a point when I thought about trying to negotiate something different.

Polyamorous people are stereotyped as being commitment-phobic. I know all about that stereotype -- in fact, I have angrily defended my poly friends from it for years! (Even when I was very fiercely monogamous, I got so mad when people who don't know

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018643