HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018524.jpg

to yours. I remember that when I was in my late teens, one boyfriend asked me if I'd be up for a certain kind of sex, and I refused. (He asked very gently, and didn't pressure me when I said no, which made me feel much safer and happier with him!) At the time I couldn't imagine ever wanting to do it. Then a few years later -- after I'd gained a lot more sexual experience -- I ended up asking my boyfriend to try it! I'm convinced that if my previous partner had pressured me, I wouldn't have come around to it so easily years later -- and if he and I had still been together, then maybe we would have even done it together.

... But of course, the difficult part here is that sexual needs are important, and can't be put on the back burner indefinitely. If you have sexual needs that are being routinely ignored -- or can't be fulfilled -- by your partner, then it's obviously not desirable to keep gently saying, "Don't worry, I can do without this." Still, I think that if you're approaching ultimatum territory -- for example, if you are tempted to say that "If you can't satisfy this need, then I need an open relationship so I can find someone who can, or else we have to break up" -- then it's best to at least state the ultimatum gently, emphasize that you care about your partner and this is difficult, and steel yourself to act quickly in case you have to go through with your ultimatum. And, of course, to understand that this could make sexuality with your partner more difficult if you keep trying to date through ultimatum territory.

Sadly, sexual pressure can sometimes be simply unavoidable. Sometimes the best we can do is be gentle, understanding, and prepared to face the consequences.

2) Exposure to new conceptions of sexuality, sexual mentors, and sex education

Many gay people say they're "wired" for a certain approach to sexuality, but there's also others, such as some BDSMers, who consider ourselves to be innately kinky. And we often say that we would have come to those sexual conclusions and practices whether we had examples before us, or not. (Even so, it's really helpful to have a community sharing tips and emotional support, especially when it comes to alternative sexuality. It might seem like sex will come naturally and obviously, but sometimes non-obvious things can really trip you up!)

Still, there are lots of sexual ideas are worth exploring and wouldn't necessarily occur to us if we didn't have examples before us: erotica, pornography, friends and mentors, workshops and educational materials. Here's some concrete advice on how best to emotionally access those:

* Find a good mentor, or at least a friend or social group, to talk about sex with -- who you don't want to have sex with. Being able to honestly discuss turn-ons in a neutral environment is invaluable, as is someone who can guide and advise without inserting their preferences and desires into the conversation. Naturally, it's entirely possible to have a good sexual relationship with a sexual mentor -- and sometimes, mentor (or friend) relationships evolve in unexpectedly sexual ways. But it can be very useful to take that element out of at least some relationships.

One piece of advice that I love is for mentors to be the same "type." That is, for example, if you're a heterosexual female submissive, it's awesome to have an experienced

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018524