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for accidental anxious pressure.

Okay, I'm talking pretty theoretically, right? So here's some actual concrete advice on how to avoid imposing sexual pressure:

* Don't demand that people explain their preferences. A person doesn't have to explain, examine, or "figure out" why they're gay, straight, kinky, polyamorous, or whatever if they don't want to. Even your sexual partner doesn't have to explain why they don't want to do something if they don't want to.

In fact, it may be very helpful if you merely make it clear that your partner doesn't have to explain from the beginning -- because they may feel as if they ought to, even if you don't ask. I so clearly remember an encounter I had a few years ago in which my partner asked what I was up for and I said, hesitantly, "Well, I'm not really up for sex tonight... I can't really explain it, I --" and he held up his hand. "You don't have to explain it," he said -- and I was totally shocked at the gratitude, relief and comfort that poured through me.

I later felt proud and thrilled to "pay it forward" when I had my first serious encounter as a dominant. Towards the end of the encounter, I asked, "Do you want me?" and my submissive stiffened, saying awkwardly, "Yes, I do, but... I don't want to have sex so soon, it's just one of my own boundaries, I --" and I saw how much the words were costing him. Saw the same anxiety I'd felt once. And immediately I covered his mouth and said, "Shh, it's fine, you don't have to explain it," and I saw him relax with the same terrible relief I'd once felt. And then we made out for many hours and it was unbelievably awesome.

... Of course, sometimes people will want to examine their own preferences, which is obviously fine! But if your partner or friend is examining for their own mental well-being, that's very different from demanding that they examine to satisfy you. Bottom line: they don't owe you an explanation, and asking for one may just make them tense up and feel totally unsexy in all ways.

* Express preferences gently. I once attended an incredible BDSM workshop by the author Laura Antoniou in which she offered an outline for bringing up your filthiest, scariest fantasy with your partner: "Buy ice cream. Sit down at the kitchen table and describe your fantasy. Then say, 'Don't say anything now. I'll give you some time to think about it -- now let's eat this ice cream and maybe go out for a movie.'" I love this advice because (a) everyone gets ice cream and (b) it's so perfect for lowering tension. And as Laura said, "The worst thing that can happen is that they're not into it."

[Editor's Note: since writing this post, Clarisse went vegan, and she recommends eating that frozen Coconut Bliss stuff instead of ice cream. The chocolate flavor is absurdly delicious.]

It's important to emphasize from the start: "This is something I'm interested it, but it's not a requirement and I don't want you to do it if you're not into it." In fact, it might help to begin by saying those exact words.

And if your partner doesn't want to do something now, it's often worth giving time for them to grow into the idea. Perhaps by exploring other sexual angles, they'll come around

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