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will do that as efficiently as possible, and while I certainly would rather have a pleasant interaction with that person, I don't think a lot about how they were doing before they got down on their knees, and I don't care very much how they feel after they get up and leave. It's hard to keep their needs in mind; it's easier to just assume that if they wanted anything, it was their responsibility to try to get it. I always preferred to take sexual initiative, and that has become even more ego-congruent. (pages 397-398, Speaking Sex To Power)

A trans woman friend once told me that not only did she get turned on more frequently pre-transition; also, she now has to feel more emotionally connected to her partner in order to enjoy sex. And she noted that she has to "take care of herself more" in order to feel turned on now -- not just in the moment, but in life, and in the relationship.

If we accept that there is, speaking generally, a difference in sexual desires between men and women (although individuals will always be unique), then it leads to new questions. If women were socially and culturally dominant, what would so-called "liberated sexuality" look like? If people of all genders are following patterns set by stereotypical men, then what does that mean for attempts to think around those patterns?

6) Communicating consent is complicated, but consent is the only thing that makes sex okay, so we have to make every effort to respect it. All sex is completely fine with me as long as it's consensual. Seriously, I really don't care what you do -- as long as it's consensual. (Try to find a consensual sex act that shocks me. I dare you.)

Communicating consent can, however, be complicated, and there are lots of different ways to do it. Many BDSMers are eminently familiar with this, as you can tell by the fact that some parts of the BDSM community have developed an extensive array of tactics for discussing consent. For example, the most famous BDSM communication tactic is safewords, which gives everyone involved a clear word that they can invoke to stop the action at any time.

Most people don't communicate directly about most things, and the stigma and high emotions around sexuality make it even harder for most people to communicate directly about sex. Hence, most sexual communication is highly indirect. Even among people who are accustomed to direct sexual communication -- like many BDSMers -- a lot of communication ends up being indirect and instinctive anyway; there's just no way to discuss every possible reaction and every single desire ahead of time. Everyone fucks up sometimes. No one in the world has a perfect track record on creating a pressure-free environment for their partners to express what they want... or asking their partners for what they want... or even knowing what they want in the first place.

So, yes, I acknowledge that communicating about sex and getting what you want consensually can be really hard. However, it's most important to not violate people's boundaries. No matter how hard it is, it's necessary to make a serious and genuine effort to measure and respect a partner's consent every time sex happens. Feminist ideas of enthusiastic consent are designed to help this process.

Here's my attempt at a quick definition of enthusiastic consent:

The basic idea is simple: don't initiate sex unless you have your partner's enthusiastic

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