HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018654.jpg

emotional blocks, and we call them landmines.

My partner didn't hit the landmine on purpose. He wasn't trying to push me as hard as he did. And I didn't warn him off. So the important question becomes -- how does one deal with such a situation afterwards?

... "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I never want to do that to you again."

"It's okay," I said. "These things happen. But please do be careful. But don't worry...." I trailed off, trying to find words.

It's so hard to know how to talk about this, especially with people who aren't used to discussing S&M. When there's a fuckup, sometimes both sides feel betrayed. The submissive might think: "Maybe I didn't tell you exactly what to avoid, but sometimes it's too much to think about, sometimes it's hard to understand in the moment, sometimes I don't know ahead of time. Okay, so I pushed myself too hard, but I did it because I'm so into you; I did it because, in that moment, I lost track of myself. And anyway, I thought you could read me. I thought you understood me. I thought you knew. You've read me perfectly well before; why not this time? Is it that you don't care?"

Whereas the dominant might think: "Maybe I went too far, but I thought I could trust you to stop me. I thought I could trust you to tell me. I don't want to harm you, I just want to push you; I want to break down walls with you. I want to see your eyes go deep and soft. It's not fair for me to feel like I fucked up, because you fucked up, too. I thought you could take care of yourself. I thought you knew. You've communicated perfectly well before; why not this time? Can I rely on you?"

That particular relationship didn't last, and I think that our most difficult encounter probably affected our trust for each other through the end. Still, I can tell you how we worked on it at the time -- and I can tell you that it felt really good. We just listened to each other. And we both assumed that the other person had good intent. By the end of talking it out -- which admittedly took a really long time; multiple days -- I trusted him more than ever and I felt incredibly close to him.

I've been thinking a lot about classic feminist anti-abuse models, which describe how abusers accomplish abuse. One of the tactics abusers consistently use is Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming their partners. Abusers claim that the abuse didn't happen; they claim it wasn't important; they blame their partners for what happened. A partner who is willing to listen and change will respond openly to criticism and to mistakes: a non-abusive partner will not minimize, deny, or blame.

And those three things are what my ex-partner did not do. He never claimed that our difficult encounter didn't happen; he never put the blame on me; he never insisted that it was no big deal. He didn't even come close to doing those things while we talked it through. He took his emotions and dealt honestly with them, and I did my best to do the same.

Also, in BDSM, we often talk about the concept of "aftercare": that is, what we say and do after a BDSM scene to ground ourselves, bring ourselves back into the world, and connect with our partners. It's important to give careful aftercare after any BDSM

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018654