HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_021196.jpg

drugs for him any more, pleading with them and telling all of them he was on the brink of death, reminding them of the friendship between us all that once existed before the drugs corrupted so many of us. Some of them laughed at me telling me I was wasting my time with T.J and others were nice enough to at least lie to my face politely and promise not to help him feed his addiction.
I just wanted to remedy all of his pain and problems but I felt so helpless fighting his battle against the streets. I bought some marijuana for him to smoke hoping to subside the withdrawals he was facing over the next few days but with no avail. The only thing that would help him was my Xanax, a few of those pills and he would go back to sleep, only waking up to get more of them. I would have to force him out of bed to have a shower once a day and make sure he ate something. He was more like a baby right now than he was a boyfriend, too much in need of something I couldn't give.

Chapter 17

When I went to see Jeffrey over the next course of days he picked out the dilemma I wore spread across my face straight away. "Your back with T.J aren't you" It was so funny that he knew me so well. "Yeah, he's in a real bad place in his life right now and needs my help." He looked astonished and replied, "You're a much better friend than I am, I know people like him and trust me they never change, no use in even trying" I believed him too knowing I was stupid for even attempting to change T.J, but my heart felt differently, he was still a human being and a good friend of mine just down at his worst. "That's what good friends are for" I laughed back at his remark, not wanting to take this conversation too much further. " I admire your loyalty at least, but take my word for it, he will hurt you again." His words were chilling but true, I had to find out for myself though.
Almost seeming like an actual friend for a second he ruined his brief momentary image by turning over from the unfinished massage that I was giving to him and acquired his sexual longings from my worn down soul. Not only did he know that I didn't want to endure any more demands tonight, but his energy enhanced from knowing it too. Looking up at him during the foreplay, it was an easy observation from the look in my eyes

103

|| Copyright Protected Material
CONFIDENTIAL
GIUFFRE004236

that I hated every minute of it, seething through all of my duties until he climaxed.
Most days I could take this kind of treatment, it was only seldom I couldn't hold in the way Jeffrey disregarded my feelings. He had me just where he wanted me, like a pawn piece on a checkers board I was his own personal sex slave. For the remainder of the evening I stayed quiet, not sure of what to say after an episode like that. It was a vigorous display of how calumniating he could really be. He required me to clean up his spilled semen off of his genitals with a wet warm washcloth before he retired to his bedroom for a good night's sleep. Only a monstrous creep could sleep easy at night knowing what pain he caused others.
I went downstairs and asked Juan, who was still in the kitchen to pay me for the evening telling him that Jeffrey had gone to sleep for the night. It wasn't an unusual request. Juan would often have to fix up "the girls" after the sessions and sometimes even drive them home. He went to Jeffrey's desk and underneath was his duffel bag that always held insurmountable bundles of crisp hundred dollar bills. He took out two for me and handed them over. I thanked him and said goodnight, as I was always polite to Juan and his wife, Maria. His eyes were gentle and told me more than what he was allowed to say. I understood well. We all needed to eat and pay bills unfortunately even sometimes at our own moral expense.
Putting the keys into the ignition I started up the engine and reversed out of Jeffrey's driveway with promptness. I didn't want to be there a moment longer than I had to. Not much to look forward too getting back to my apartment either, I needed some time to filter my emotions. Parking my truck in front of a nearby beach I took my shoes off gradually stepping out of the door into the fog. I walked down to the edge of the sand where the water licked at my toes. My life was slipping away from me and I was really beginning to question the difference between living and dying. I was so tired of everything, my whole existence revolved around being everything to everyone, forgetting about being something for myself altogether. Pretending to be someone else became an attribute I was better than good at, probably much of why Jeffrey liked me in the first place. This time I held back my tears back and only let the anger fester into a deep pit in my stomach. My rage was aimed at the very people who abandoned me to fend for myself in the first place and accepted this life as normal for me, my parents.
When I got back to my apartment I was expecting to have to look after T.J, but to my surprise he had come around good that night. He greeted me at the door and asked how my evening was. "It was all fine" I easily lied. I never let anyone inside close enough to see my vulnerabilities. They were mine alone to battle. In my head they were too shameful to

104

|| Copyright Protected Material
CONFIDENTIAL
GIUFFRE004237

HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_021196